I am dismayed to hear that psychologists/ psychiatrists have created a special diagnostic code for long term grief… in other words, grief and loss are now to be thought of as a pathology, a sickness that needs a cure.

No doubt there are those who can’t seem to “move on” and are unable to heal after a significant loss or tragedy, and they may indeed benefit from in-depth counselling. But it is also true that one’s grief can make others uncomfortable, and it is this discomfort that can lead others to see grief as an indulgence, best overcome by treatment of one sort or another.

But then who determines what length or type of grieving is proper? When does grieving become abnormal and problematic?

As loss is part of the human experience, so too is grief, and while grief is a universal emotion, each individual experiences it differently, with much depending on circumstance; grief at the death of a young child can present differently than that caused by the death of an elder. Death in the name of a good cause can present differently than a tragic injury caused by a senseless violence.

Grief can affect the physical, emotional and spiritual. It can shake your faith or deepen it. It can give purpose, or call into question the very meaning of your life; in so doing it can confront you with the fragility of existence and even challenge your own willingness to continue living.

In my own case, the long illness of my daughter gave me time to grapple with her early death. Nonetheless, I was surprised that my mind was not particularly affected. I did not question why her and why so young.

What did surprise me however was the reaction of my body, which had its own non-verbal unconscious mechanism. My grief rose and came over me in waves, and it still does. I cried in private and still do.

For me, my grief was and still is, a full body experience, and although the intensity has lessened over time, and I might come to hold it in a different way over time, it is something I will always carry.

While I appreciated a kind word, or a gentle touch on my arm, which most of my immediate circle offered, I found those who tried to explain things to me, and offer a way out of my suffering, to be more than annoying.

Although well intentioned, their bromides landed with a thud and only increased my pain and sorrow.

I myself did not seek therapy, although I encourage everyone to respect their own need and follow their own heart. But to put a time limit, beyond which grief and sorrow are unacceptable, is to misunderstand its nature, and bring emotional violence to the bereaved.

In this way we are victimized by experts, self-described and otherwise, who tell us how to feel, and for how long, and what we should do when we don’t act “the way we should.”

Be Kind.