The zombies are coming. We all know this is true. If Science Fiction has taught us anything, it’s that the cause may be in question but the results are not. The zombies are coming and we would be foolish to neglect taking appropriate precautions. Allow me then, dear reader, to make a suggestion, a simple, community-based strategy to ensure our best chance for survival when the brain-eating hordes descend upon us. At the first sign of zombie activity, let’s all meet at the Target on Ulster Avenue.

My extensive research has determined three main reasons why that particular Target would be the ideal place for our community to make its final stand. You might be saying to yourself, “But Michael, what kind of research can one really do to prepare for such an event?” My first response would be that you shouldn’t call yourself Michael, that’s a little weird for most of you. Second, the principles of my research are simple. Whenever I walk into any building, facility, or outdoor space I ask myself two questions: 1) Would this be a good place to make a stand against zombies? and 2) If aliens came to earth would this be where they land?

I have been asking myself these questions for most of my adult life and feel pretty secure in saying I have developed clear and inarguable answers for both. For instance, I can say with almost 100 percent certainty that Home Depot and/or Lowe’s would be terrible places to defend from zombies. Those metal carts and wagons are so goddamned loud they’d attract swarms from as far away as Rosendale. See? I know what I’m talking about. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, it is my educated opinion that aliens would land at Ollie’s Bargain Outlet in the Hudson Valley Plaza. Think about it. Ollie’s is like the landfill — everyone and everything ends up there. It’s like a museum for late-stage capitalism, an interactive display of humanity’s hubris. Any observant and intelligent life would flock there. Plus there’s a lot of available parking.

For the zombie strategy, though, the reasons Target rises above other possible havens are simple and clear. First, it’s big enough to hold everyone. It might get a little tight but if we shove all the Men’s, Women’s, and Young Adult clothing into the Home Goods section, we should be able to fit everyone. Obviously, we leave Sporting Goods alone, it’s basically a weapons depot, and the School/Office Supplies section will become our new Education Center: The children are our future, after all. Electronics, Entertainment, Beauty & Personal Care should be picked through to find the essentials. The remainder can be used to create new walls and defensive positions around the store. For instance, make a sniper’s nest out of men’s grooming products. Let’s be real, any gains men have made in the world of personal hygiene are going out the window at the first strangled yell of the walking dead. Many of us males are gonna be full-Viking in about 36 hours.

Defensive positioning is the second reason Target should be our Alamo. Wait, everyone at the Alamo died. Bad reference. Maybe it’s more of a Fort Sumter. Actually, this probably isn’t the best time to bring up anything related to the Civil War. Forget all that. What’s important is that the Target on big-box row is an easily defendable structure. There are 200-, 300-yard kill zones on three sides. There are relatively few entrances and exits considering the size, all of which can be well fortified with the shelving and displays from Greeting Cards, Shoes, and Maternity. There is a single, securable hallway connecting Target to Dick’s Sporting Goods, another weapons cache, and the abandoned Best Buy, which I propose we use to store the mountains of bodies that will accumulate. There’s something poetic about using dying mall space to house our dead/undead. Also, we can store all the extra shopping carts in there.

The third reason we should all meet under the red bullseye is that it comes with endless supplies built in. I mean, what can’t you find at a Target? Isn’t that why we go there all the time in normal life? There’s a ton of food, whole sections of bedding and healthcare products. Our entire city would have enough toothpaste for months, if not years, just from what’s sitting on the shelves. There’s even a Starbucks in there. What more could one want from a post-apocalyptic fortress?

And its central location means that small teams of commandos could undertake missions to various other establishments as needed. Hell, give me five hearty souls with hockey gear and I’m betting I can get down to the Panda Buffet for egg rolls and General Tso’s chicken. We could make our way to Five Guys, there must be two or three tons of potatoes in there at any given time the way they give those fries away. And Target isn’t far from Lowe’s, where the weapons and armament for Kingston II can really move up a few levels. The tool corral is practically designed as a zombie killing research center though again, those loud metal carts are an issue. We’d have to get some of those four-wheeled wheelbarrows from Garden Supplies if we wanna get in and out all sneaky-peaky like. Fat, rubber wheels are where it’s at in the quiet place.

Obviously, there are concerns that still need to be addressed and a lot of our survivability depends on which type of zombie we’re dealing with. Are they the lumbering, foot-dragging types from “Dawn of the Dead” or are they the fast, maniacal creatures from “28 Days Later”? Unfortunately, we won’t know until they’re bearing down on us but there are ways to prepare. Personally, I’m prepping for the running fiends from “World War Z.” That way if it turns out to be the shambling ghouls from “The Walking Dead” it will feel like a cake walk.

Therefore, it is my proposal, as the self-declared authority on the topic, that when the zombies finally arrive in our fair city, we all make our way to Target. I’m assuming I’ll be there first so listen for my instructions on where to go and what needs to be done. I already own a megaphone for moments when I need to be heard, which occurs more often than you might think. I’m even thinking about getting a head start by moving some stuff around the next time I’m shopping for a new air fryer. Maybe I can stack a bunch of carts in front of the main entrance to narrow access a bit further. One less thing to worry about on Z Day and every little advantage will help stave off the mindless swarms of undead. If we stick together and work as a team, we’re sure to make it through. You’ll hear me say lots of inspirational things like that through my megaphone. It’s just occurring to me though, what if there’s another group of survivors who take over the Walmart? They’ll have the whole automotive center which could lead to Mad Max-style attacks on our position. Hmmm …