Piggybacking my last two columns, the next stage of grief is denial. Through Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ teaching, we can learn that when experiencing life changes, we all go through shock, anger, denial, sadness/depression, acceptance, and my addition: hope. Dr. Kubler Ross’ research shows that we each experience these emotions, yet often very differently. Some might get stuck. Others go back-and-forth between stages. Grief is an up and down, over and through thing. Now, scores of doctors ultimately proved over the decades that we are healthier and happier when we identify and then work through our grief’s stages.

Samples of denial or bargaining to avoid the truth:

Let’s make a deal – with myself, even the Almighty. If I do this or that, the awful sadness will go away. The mind gets stuck in the “what-ifs.”

Forget about it, I do NOT want to think about that life-event that really bothers me. Forget it. I don’t want to talk about it either. I am stuffing down my feelings no matter how many times they pop-up. Deny. Deny. Deny that I am immensely down. I hate feeling sad, so forget about it.

These samples are some of the clearest ways to explain this stage. I call it “let’s make a deal” and “hiding my head in the sand.” These emotional strategies can become one continual grief stage, developing into a daily pattern of behavior. That’s the definition of a bad habit. In the case of illness and diagnoses, bargaining with God or with yourself to avoid the sad truth can become a never-ending mind-recording. “If I eat this or do that, the diagnosis will disappear.” Repeat. Repeat. Of course, cures exist. Cures spark hope. However, staying stuck treading water right in the middle of this stage of grief is unhealthy.

How can we move out of, past, and through grief stages? How can we stop living in the extremes of ignoring completely or obsessing over the loss, the life-event, a devastating diagnosis?

Step away. Do something entirely different once weekly. Some healthy ideas: attend a new community group or volunteer to meet a need in your town. Join a creative class. Connecting with people is right at our fingertips and it is easy. Connecting and reconnecting puts our grief on-hold. It proves that you are not alone. You are not the only one challenged with life stuff. And conveniently, serving and being with others fuels us. Step away. Shift your mindset.

Unhappy at work? Can you find a happy reason – a carrot, an incentive – to continue your job? Can you set a savings goal to take a long weekend off four times yearly or a bigger trip twice yearly? Reward “carrots” feel great when attained. You deserve to make happy fun and memories for your hard work. Can you spend more time during breaks and work time with a different or new colleague? Might you change your routine and how you connect with co-workers? People can surprise us simply by our reaching out. Might you get to know each other better by having coffee together?

Investigate fitness of the body and mind in a new way that appeals to you. Shifting daily, weekly, monthly activity decreases the intensity of grief. Precisely because you are splitting your attention intentionally on other things, grief shifts, too. Identify. Shift. Move attention to other-than-your-grief – that moves you through the stages, then past them.

During my trainings, I’ve received great feedback about my tips and tools. Let me know your favorites. Ask questions via my website LindaLeeRatto.com. Here are two samples to let you know that you are not alone…

“I don’t have time to chill. There is no time for a walk to smell anything, roses or whatever.”

Today, it’s rush, rush, rush. From home to work to play and then back home again, our world seems to spin faster and often out-of-control. Where’s the exit? The urge is to jump off and just plain sit, even to hide. We’re dizzy. We no longer want to spin.

So, don’t. Just choose to slow down or stop. And no guilt, please. After all, we can’t drive the car without fuel or a plug-in, right? The same is true for the body and mind. You’ve already stopped spinning by reading this column! Plus, there are countless health books by esteemed experts on this. A new treat, a goal just for yourself? Read, listen or watch one pro-health book. Just one this year. From that book’s suggestions, add a little 5-minute thing to your day that feels right for your well-being. Just one at first. Check-off each day that you accomplish these 5-minute things on an old-fashioned, physical “Calendar for a Better Me.” Congrats on keeping a healthy appointment with yourself! Each check serves as a surprising boost. Checks all across a full week, then a whole month, mean you are doing good things for YOU. Living new, healthy habits steps us out-of-grief. Look in that mirror of yours and smile. Pat yourself on the back. Feel good. Then hop-to your next daily task. You are climbing out of grief, five minutes at a time.

“Can a person in deep sadness, even depression, recognize being stuck in that grief stage?”

Awareness, then adding new things to our routines, all shift the physical energies of the body and mind. There are scientific and medical studies on the chemistry of our brains and how our cells change when experiencing fresh things. Go ahead. Give my little “Getting Through It” tools a try. See for yourself.